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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.