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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.