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I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.