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I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Thanks for posting pics of what you had for dinner, the suspense was f*cking killing me.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.