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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.