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People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Go ahead caller 9!!
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.