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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
it`s friday o clock
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"