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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.