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Does this status update make me look fat?
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.