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Please do not read this.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?