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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Can I get likes for no reason?
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!