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I wish I had a friend like me
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
Velcro is a ripoff
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet