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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!