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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there