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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)