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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.