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They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.