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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.