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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Iām not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes