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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.