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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.