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Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
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lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.