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99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?