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I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
I need new swear words.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.