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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
Anyone else has a plastic bag at home full of plastic bags?
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.