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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!