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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Iām better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.