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I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5