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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
It´s never to late to be happy
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.