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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.