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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.