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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.