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We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.