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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.