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I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.