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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject