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I drink to make other people interesting
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.