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I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.