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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
I`m not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.