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You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.