Daily Silly Status

Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”

Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich

I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.

I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.

I have off-road rage, too

Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!

Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.

The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck

For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.

I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.

You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )

I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.

If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.