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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.