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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.