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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
I had your cake and ate it too.