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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!