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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
I’m bored enough to clean.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
My therapist just offered me my money back.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.