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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.