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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
My favorite beer is the next one.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.