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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.