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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.