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lol <- looks like a stick man drowning. lol
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.