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Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...