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Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.