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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
exercise........you mean extra fries
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..