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Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I`m off to get my beauty sleep. Yeah, I know...I`m already so beautiful you can`t stand it! I promise...a little more isn`t lethal...yet! ;) Goodnight!
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.