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When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.