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I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.