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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.