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If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.