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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
I just awesomed all over the place.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
It’s a status….not your diary…
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you