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If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.