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Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5