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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is