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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
My problem is that all food is comfort food
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.