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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!