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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?