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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
I just threw up my weekend.
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.