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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.