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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?