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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.