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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
" I don`t watch much tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”