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So you`ll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year ... Your move Weight Watchers
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss