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My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
I went outside once. The graphics were amazing but the gameplay and storyline were TERRIBLE.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.