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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.