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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`