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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.