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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.