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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.