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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape