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During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.