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For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.