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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.