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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.