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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.