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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon