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In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.