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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........