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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.