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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?