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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
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The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.