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Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
This day needs more yesterday.