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Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....