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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?