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Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
My sleep number is 100 proof.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.