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There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
Siri, where are my pants?
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.