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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.