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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.