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If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.