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If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.