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Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.