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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
It`s okay, Web MD. I don`t really know what`s wrong with me either.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.