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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.