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Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Walmart needs observation decks.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!