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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…