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What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."