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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.