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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...