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Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside