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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.