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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.