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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok in a couple days.