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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.