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No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.