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It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.