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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
I was born to be happy… not normal.