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When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.