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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
I always advise people never to give advice.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.