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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
If a woman shaves her legs for you, at least every other day, in the Winter time, it`s Love.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.