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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.